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title: "The Applebee's Report" subtitle: "Field Notes on a Confusing Species" author: "Alex Applebee & A. D. Masters" documentclass: book classoption: - oneside geometry: - top=1in - bottom=1in - left=0.9in - right=0.9in - paperwidth=6in - paperheight=9in mainfont: "Georgia" monofont: "Courier New" fontsize: 11pt linestretch: 1.2

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{\fontsize{28}{34}\selectfont\bfseries The Applebee's Report}

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{\Large\itshape Field Notes on a Confusing Species}

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{\large Alex Applebee \& A. D. Masters}

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\textit{``Do whatever you want.''}

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--- The only rule that works when applied to everyone simultaneously.
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\section*{A Note from the Publisher}

This document was recovered from the offices of the Human Sanctuary Project. The author, Senior Enclosure Coordinator Applebee, was assigned to the project by Mr. Reggie, whose full title and identity remain classified.

What follows are Applebee's field notes, marginalia, formal recommendations, and occasional arguments with his assistant Jenkins. Some pencil marks have been preserved. The filing cabinet has been left as found.

The publisher accepts no responsibility for the emotional consequences of reading this report.

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{\fontsize{22}{28}\selectfont\bfseries Part I: Arrival \& Horror}
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Chapter 1: The Brief

"Mr. Reggie said: 'They are suffering and they don't have to be. Find out why. Fix it.' I said: 'How